Love: that funny little word
by cm forever
Summary: What do you do when your stuck in a loveless marriage and long for someone else who is also taken? CM
1. Chapter 1

Hey, it's me again. Don't worry, I'm still working on "Enough" but I always had this idea and figured I'd write some of it. 

Disclaimer: Yea, I know I don't own any of the "Friends" characters…blah, blah, blah.

Love: that funny little word

Now, when I look back, that day should have been one of the happiest days of my life. Two of my best friends just got hitched, I should have been ecstatic…right? They finally found true love in each other after searching all the wrong places. I should've been a part of the people following the two lovebirds as they ran out of the chapel in sheer happiness, throwing rice and cheering. I should have been one of those people…shouldn't I have? But I wasn't. I was just standing there, in that stupid bridesmaid dress that made me look like a damn tropical fruit, watching as they left. They are two of my best friends so yeah, sure, I guess I was happy, but not totally. There was just something holding me back and I didn't know what it was. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what it was…I was in love with the groom. God how much of an ass was I? I shouldn't have been feeling that way. I was a happily married woman with a 3-year-old child and a husband who loved me. Once again, that inexplicable question arose, shouldn't I be happy? I had everything I ever wanted but I still felt an important part was missing…love. That was it. But, you know, what was love **really**? Know one could truthfully and honestly explain it. It was a just a four letter word that people twist into definitions they could live with. Was it when you get butterflies all over you as soon as that person walked into the room? If so, then didn't those butterflies eventually die? Either that couldn't have been it or my butterflies were dead and buried. Is it when you care for someone so much that you want and would do anything for him or her? I did **care** for my husband; I did with all my heart. I mean he was the father of my son and made my dreams come true. He supposedly loved me but I couldn't ask him how he knew. How would that sound: _" Hey honey, I just wanted to know how you know that your in love with me cause I can't seem to figure out if I love you."_ Maybe I did love him in the beginning but that fire that everyone talks about has burned out. Your probably thinking that if I had so many questions about the L-word then how did I know that I was in love with the groom? Well it's simple really. I felt for him what I didn't feel for my husband.

" Monica?" My thoughts were broken by someone calling my name.

" Yes, Richard?" Speak of the devil. Now it was time to put on my best fake smile.

" Let's go. Tom's waiting in the car."

" Okay sweetie." Agh! And so the hell began.

*****

There I was… at the reception. That was a looong night. 

" And here comes Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!" I never thought I'd see the day when Chandler Bing got married to Phoebe Buffay. I used to think that she thought he was annoying and he thought she was flaky and weird. I guess I was wrong because sure enough 2 years after my wedding, at Ross and Rachel's, while Phoebe was getting over David the scientist guy, her and Chandler had a one night stand. At least it was supposed to be one night. Their relationship flourished and 6 months later they got married. I mean come on! This was Commitment phobic Chandler! That was totally out of character for him. But that was like Phoebe. God I wished that was me! No one knew about it but before I got married, Chandler and I had a little secret fling that I wasn't proud of but couldn't end. Then Richard proposed and I didn't know what to do. I talked to Chandler about it, he told me that he'd never commit and that I should marry Richard. So I did. When I heard about Chandler and Phoebe's engagement, I took it really hard. I kept thinking that it should have been me. But besides all of my drama, everyone else seemed to be doing fine, even Joey. I can't believe how successful he became. A couple years ago he moved to LA. We wanted him to stay but his show was being relocated. He flew in for all three weddings but this time he brought his girlfriend Michelle. They looked like they were in love. Damn that word! Luckily, Rachel came to save me from my self.

" Hey"

" Hey"

" Are you okay?"

" I'm fine." She shot me a look of disbelief. " No really. I'm fine."

" If you say so."

" Well I do say so."

" Look at them two, Chandler and Phoebe." She sighed with a smile.

" Yeah."

" Ya know, I used to think that it would have been you with Chandler."

" What?"

" Yeah." She shrugged. " I just thought you- hey Ross." Ross came right when the conversation was getting good.

" Hey babe. Hey Mon."

" Hi."

" You girls behaving?"

" Yes sir." Rachel replied. I just had to roll my eyes at that.

" No, we're planning to rob a liquor store on the corner of 4th and main."

" Funny. Richard was looking for you."

" Well here I am."

" Are you alright?"

" Yes I'm **fine**."

" I'm gonna go mingle."

" Okay." He just had to steal a kiss from her before leaving.

" As you were saying…"

" What?"

" Me and Chandler?"

" Oh, yeah. You guys just always acted like a couple so I figured you'd eventually hook up, get married and have kids. Of course this is before Richard came into the picture."

" I never thought about that. I guess we did act like a couple. That's interesting."

" Why is it interesting?"

" Well because now I-." I stopped myself. I couldn't tell her about my feelings for him. That would be inappropriate since we were at his wedding and I was married. " I mean, its interesting because I never thought of it. That's all."

" Okay…" Time to change the subject.

" I'm gonna go look for Richard. I'll be right back."

" Take your time." Just then I felt someone tap me on my back and I turned to see Richard.

" May I have this dance?"

" Certainly, Mr. Burke."

" Why thank you Mrs. Burke." As we danced, Richard held me close and my eyes wandered to Chandler and Phoebe. At that same moment his eyes met mine and he gave me that irresistible Chandler smile. God, what was I going to do?

Tell me what you think. Is it a good start? Should I continue? Does it make sense? Review!


	2. Chapter 2

And here my story continues 1 month after the wedding.

I was at home in the apartment, cleaning as usual. When we got engaged and I found out I was pregnant, I moved in with Richard. It was tough to leave an apartment that I loved but with the engagement, Tom on the way and things still weird with Chandler, I had to go. I probably wouldn't have said yes to Richard if it weren't for Chandler telling me to. Then the doorbell rang and sure enough it was Chandler on the other side.

" Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked. He had a sullen look on his face and instantly I was concerned.

" Umm, I just need to talk. You know, like how we used to when you lived across the hall."

" Sure. Come in." He sat down on the couch and I sat next to him. " So what's wrong?"

" It's Phoebe. We had another stupid fight."

" It seems like you guys have a lot of stupid fights and your still newlyweds."

" I know! I don't want us to end up like one of Jennifer Lopez's marriages. I would like our relationship to last longer than a tick tack." (Sorry Jlo fans)

" Well…umm, Chandler. I don't want to sound like I'm not supportive of you guys but why are you two together? You're opposites and this whole marriage thing came kind of fast, don't you think?"

" Yea I guess, but…I don't know if I should say this…"

" You can tell me anything." He took a deep breath.

" It's been a while since we've been together and we both moved on, so I guess I can say it…I always thought of you as the perfect woman for me. After we didn't work out, I looked back on all of my relationships and I figured I must have been doing something wrong. So I decided to change something in my life, like the type of women I usually go for. Then when Phoebe and I slept together I figured that she was totally different from anyone I've been with and that maybe that was a good thing. So we started to date. One night she mentioned that we should get married and I was kinda drunk so I said sure. The next morning, I didn't have the heart to tell her it was too soon because she looked so happy and she already told all of you. This type of thing was typical of Phoebe but not for me and I thought that we could just make it work." I just looked at him in disbelief.

" So you're saying that you would change for Phoebe, but not for me?"

" What?"

" Yeah, you were too **scared of commitment** to just stay in a relationship with me but you were able to** marry** Phoebe after 6 months of dating! God Chandler, Why did you come to me about all of this? You could have gone to Joey, Ross or Rachel but you came to me, your ex. Why?"

" Because I wanted to talk to you! I don't have with Rachel, Ross or even Joey what I have with you. And it's not what you think, the only reas-,"

" What **do** we have Chandler? Things have never been the same since we got together and broke up. Do you expect me to give you sympathy?"

" No, I don't want your sympathy! Listen, Mon, I was not over you when Phoebe and I got together. If I couldn't have you, then at least I had somebody. Plus, Phoebe is nothing like you and wouldn't remind me of what I lost. Now, I realize that I used Phoebe but back then, I just wanted to do anything I could to move on with my life, like you had."

" But whose fault was all of this? Who broke up with whom? I wanted to be with you Chandler! If I didn't, I wouldn't have come to you after Richard proposed. You told me to go with him because you didn't want me."

" I did not say that! I wanted you to go to him because I thought that he was the better guy for you. I gave you up because of my damn insecurities. I lost the one who could have possibly been the love of my life and at that moment I promised myself that it would never happen again. I was not going to mess up the next relationship I had. Then Phoebe came around."

" Chandler…" I just looked away. My life was a royal mess. " What do you want me to say to that?"

" I don't know. I'm just glad its out in the open."

" Yeah, but what now? Do you…do you still love me?"

" Yes. Do you still love me?" Oh god, this was what they would call in the movies 'the moment of truth'. 

" I think so."

" What does **that** mean? You think so?"

"I have so much problems going on that I don't even know if I believe in love anymore or at least true love. But I think I could love you."

" But do are you still in love with Richard?"

" No, I feel trapped when I'm with him. He's not you. Yeah, he gave me my child who I love with all my heart but…he's not you…but what about Phoebe? I won't let you hurt her, because I know how it feels to be dumped by Chandler Bing."

" I think she's silently waiting for me to end it with her. She doesn't seem happy and I know that I'm not." He moved closer to me. " Monica, I want another chance with you. You're the one I'm meant to be with." He put his hand on my cheek and his blue eyes sparkled. His soft lips touched mine and I didn't stop him. The kiss started to deepen and I got weaker at the knees. The phone started to ring, I realized what I was doing, and I gently pushed Chandler away.

" Hello?"

" Mrs. Burke?"

" Yes, this is her."

" I'm Sergeant Blenman and I have some bad news…"

" What? What is it?"

" There's been accident." 

" Is Tom alright? Is Richard?"

" You're son is fine but your husband is another story. I rather talk to you in person. Come to Beth Israel hospital, third floor."

" Okay, I'll be right there." I hung up the phone and turned to Chandler. " I have to go to the hospital."

" Why?"

" Tom and Richard were in an accident."

" I'll go with you."

All right so there was a little more insight into what's going on. Let me know if it starts getting weird or confusing. Or just review to tell me if you like it. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

I sat in the cold seat of the waiting room with Chandler on my right and Tom leaning against me on my left side.  How come hospitals always give you that irksome feeling.  You can actually smell all the sicknesses and the medicine.  You can feel in the pit of your stomach all the heartache and pain of the people around you.  But of course there is always some nurse or doctor bopping around like they don't have a care in the world.  

" Mon!"  Phoebe, Rachel and Ross came running through the door.

" Hey guys."  That's the most I've said in about an hour.

" Hey Tommy.  Are you alright?"  Ross knelt down in front of him.

" I'm fine but Dad's not."

" Yeah, I heard." He turned towards me.  " How are **you** doing?"

" Well, I'm not so good.  My husband is in ICU, clinging to his life because of a damn 45 yr. old drunk who can't hold his liquor.  My car is going to cost a fortune and that's just a few things to add to my already shitty life!"  I looked down at Tom and I sighed.  " Now I'm cursing in front of my kid.  Him being alright is the only good part of this situation."  

As you could see, this wasn't one of my best days.

I saw Chandler mouth something to Ross and he cleared his throat.  " Rach, Pheebs, why don't you guys take Tom down to the cafeteria while I return a call that I got earlier."  I rolled my eyes.  I don't get Ross sometimes.  He has a beeper and a cell phone.  He only gives us the beeper number and not the cell phone because it's "just for work".  Come on, it's not like you have to immediately do surgery if one of the dinosaurs fall over.

" Okay.  Come Tommy lets go get some ice cream." Rachel replied.  After they all left, Chandler turned to me.

" You have to calm down.  I know you don't mean to but try not to snap at them.  Granted, his question was one of those what-do-you-expect-me- to-say questions but they do mean well."

" I'm sorry.  It's just the guilt eating me away."

" What do you mean?  What guilt?"

" My guilt because of what we did."

" What exactly did we do?"

" Chandler!  I should not have been kissing you;** we** shouldn't have been kissing each other.  We're **married** and that means we're committing adultery."

" Adultery?  Monica I do feel awkward that we are 'cheating on our spouses' but we're both in loveless marriages and found truelove in each other.  It's not like we're screwing around, we didn't even have sex."

" Kissing is just as bad, especially given our history.  This is the **second** time I'm cheating on Richard with you.  After the first time, I promised myself it would never happen again because it was wrong and out of character for me.  But of course I find myself with you again while my husband and my son were in a car accident.  Sure I don't love Richard, but that doesn't mean he wasn't a good man who deserved a loyal wife."

" So you're saying that everything that happened between us shouldn't have; that it was all a mistake?"

" No…well…you see-,"

" You know what, just save it.  I hope you're happy with him.  Oh wait a minute, you told me an hour ago that you weren't happy with him and you wanted me. **Which** is it Monica?  When you finally make up your mind, let me know."  Chandler stood up and walked away while Rachel came back.

" What's wrong with him?"

" Umm I kind of said some things I didn't mean to."

" I'm sure he understands that you're going through a lot right now.  We all do."

" Yeah."  I replied, " Where are Tom and Phoebe?"

" They're still down stairs, but I just wanted to see how you were doing."

" I'm barely surviving."  I lent back in the seat and sighed.

" I can see that.  You just have to stay positive.  You're doing pretty well so far.  I mean, normal women would be weeping disasters, not knowing what to do with themselves but you're using your famous Monica strength to pull through this.  I'm proud of you."

" Thanks.  At least one of us is proud of me."  Rachel gave me a questioning look.  "It 's a long story."  Before Rachel could question me further, Ross came and interrupted us.

" I just called Mom and Dad, they're on their way.  Any news on Richard?"

" No, the doctors are still in there." Ross sat down and silence emerged among the three of us; unbearably awkward silence.  Silence that I had to break.

" I'm going to get some fresh air."

" Okay, we'll be right here."  Rachel replied.  I could feel their sympathetic eyes follow me as I walked away.  Moments after I stepped outside, I heard a distant but familiar voice.  As I walked towards it, I saw Phoebe talking to Chandler on a bench not too far away while Tommy sat close by eating gummy worms.  He always loved those gummy worms.

" I don't think we're right for each other."

" Yeah, I agree."

"I'm not the only one thinking this?"

" No.  We don't have that connection.  Ya know?"

" Exactly.  That might be my fault though.  My heart wasn't in it fully.  I was using you as the rebound guy because I'm not over David."

" I see.  Well don't worry about it."

" No, it was wrong for me to play with your feelings like that and I'm sorry."

" It's really okay.  We weren't going to last.  We both secretly knew it.  We don't even have much in common.  Even though the sex was great," Phoebe smiled and nodded her head in agreement " An orgasm doesn't last long enough to stay in a relationship just for the sex."  (Courteney said something like this once and the opportunity to use it was to good to pass up.)

" I agree.  So we're on the same page?  This is a mutual breakup?"

" Yes."  They shook hands and smiled.

" You're going to make some woman **or man** really happy someday."

" What?  You still think I'm gay, even though you married me?"

" You never know, look what happened to Ross and Carol.  Anyway I'm just kidding.  I know longer see that 'quality' in you."

" Thanks. I must say you're the best wife I ever had."

" You've never been married before."  Phoebe laughed.

"So, you're still the best."  I smiled and began to walk back towards Richard's room.  I was relieved that it was a mutual split and that Phoebe's heart wasn't broken.  When I got off the elevator, I stopped at the sight before me and my heart started to pound.  Ross looked solemnly at me, Rachel had tears running down her face, an officer that was here earlier, took his hat off and was looking down.  The doctor turned around when he heard me come in.

" Ms. Burke, Your husband didn't make it."

Okay at the end of the week, I'm going on vacation.  I still might be able to finish another chapter before then so if you care, cross your fingers.


	4. Chapter 4

And so it goes…

I'm not too fond of funerals. But, then again, who is?  
  
The whole thing was just tiring. I mean there I was pretending to listen to the priest when everything went through one ear and out the other. I kept thinking, 'God, I just want to go to bed, away from all these people.' I felt drained. I looked around and saw a sea of depressed eyes, many with tears streaming down. Tom kept his head down the whole time. He knew he wouldn't see his dad ever again; that nothing was going to be the same. After the funeral was even more exhausting. People who I haven't seen years came up to me with their sympathetic smiles, telling about what a great man Richard was. I finally escaped to a corner where I stayed as everyone mingled and reminisced on old  
times.

  
 "Hey." Some had found me in my secret spot. I turned around and saw Rachel giving me the 'I'm sorry' look.

"Not you too. I don't need your sympathy too, Rach."  
  


" I know you don't but you seem like you need to get out of this room for a while. Can we talk in the guest room?"  
  
" Sure." We weaved through the crowd and once again I felt all eyes on me.  
  


"Poor Monica and little Tommy. I don't know what they're going to do now." Some one whispered and I rolled my eyes. As soon as we got in the room I closed the door behind us and leaned against the bedpost. Rachel sat next to me.  
  
" So, How's it going?"  
  
" Fine. Given the circumstances." Rachel nodded her head.  
  
" I don't know if this is the right time to bring this up but, have you've thought about the future?"  
  
" Money wise?"  
  
" Yeah."  
  
" Well, I don't have to worry too much; Richard wrote a will."  
  
" He did?"  
  
" Yeah, you know Richard. Always prepared."  
  
" So what does it say?"  
  
" He left the practice to Tim but I get the apartment, and the money in his accounts."  
  
" Are you thinking about going back to work?"  
  
" Defiantly. That money isn't going to last forever."  
  
" Good because I have a friend in the restaurant business who might be looking to hire."  
  
" That would be great. Oh that reminds me, I'm going to have to hire a baby sitter."  
  
" I could help you find one."  
  
" Thanks. You don't have to worry about us, we're going to be fine."  
  
" I know that, because we'll all be here to do whatever we can to help." The door opened and Joey and Phoebe appeared. Joey flew down as soon as he heard the news and planned to stay until next Friday, the first court date.  
  
" Sorry, I didn't know you two were in here, I just wanted to get my phone out of my coat." Joey apologized.  
  
" No problem." I replied.  
  
" Phoebe and I were just talking and you know if you ever need to get away, take some time off. You can always come to visit. I'd love to have you over."  
  
" Or I can give you a free massage. They're very relaxing and you won't even have to pay." Phoebe added.  
  
" We want to. You've done so much for us, it's about time we did stuff for you."   
  
" Look," I began coolly, " This is all very nice for you guys to offer but I can't stress this enough, I'm fine. I'm not fragile; I'm not going to break. Just because he's dead does not mean my whole life will crumble. I was fine before he came along and I will be fine after. I just wish you would stop treating like some charity project. Okay?"  They just nodded and I walked out of the room and headed straight out the front door. I stopped when I saw Chandler sitting on the stairs smoking. He motioned me to sit next to him and I did.   
  
" I'm not going to ask how's it going."  
  
" That's a relief. When did you start smoking again?"  
  
" When my life started not making sense."  
  
" That's a pretty long time then." I joked.  
  
" Yes indeed it is." He smiled. His smile always had an effect on me.  
  
" I want you stop. It's a horrible habit and I'd hate to loose you too." My tone turned serious. He looked at me for a moment and handed me the carton and his lighter.  
  
" Okay." He took one more puff and put the cigarette out against the wall. " I'd hate to have you loose me too." He smiled again and I did in return.  
  
" Phoebe and I are getting a divorce."  
  
" Oh?"  
  
" It's a mutual thing. She never really got over David and well, you know my story."  
  
" About us, I don't know-,"

" We don't have to talk about that now. We both, you especially, have a lot to agonize about without bringing 'us' into the equation. Hopefully in the near future, the subject of 'us' will come up again, but for now we're just Monica and Chandler: best friends. My feelings for you are not going to change, this I know for a fact. So we'll take things slow."  
  
" When did you become so mature and confident?"

" I had to grow up some time."

"Thanks for being so understanding."  
  
" You don't have to thank me. In the words of Dionne Warwick: 'That's what friends are for.'" He pulled me into a hug and in that moment, the world felt right. It felt good to be in his arms, even we were just friends. Us being together felt right.  
  


  
*****  
  


  
Wednesday, 4 days later, wasn't so easy.  
  
  
" Tommy, put on the sneakers I told you to wear!"   
  
" I don't wanna!" He yelled back  
  
" Put them on or your not going to the game! You can't where your dressy shoes to a ball park!"  
  
" Well maybe I don't wanna go!" He stomped.  
  
" You wanted to go last week."  
  
" I don't like the stupid Yankees." He huffed and plopped on the couch.   
  
" What are you talking about? You love the Yankees." I knelt down in front of him.  
  
" I'm not going with Uncle Joey."  
  
" You don't like Uncle Joey anymore?"  
  
" I wanted to go with dad not him. So I'm not going." I sighed.  
  
" I know you miss your dad, it hasn't been long since he's been gone but he would have wanted you to go to the game."  
  
" He would?"  
  
" Yes. I know that he wants you to go with Uncle Joey and have fun, get on of those hotdogs you love and cheer them. So can you do that?  For dad?"  
  
" Yeah I guess so," he said slowly.  
  
" Okay." I smiled and kissed him on his forehead. " Go get your sneakers. He would want you to wear those." He ran to his room and at the same time the door busted open and Joey came in.  
  
" Let's go Yankees! Hey Mon."  
  
" Hey Joey, he's putting on his shoes."  
  
" It's been so long since I've been to a game. I've been thinking about moving back or at least flying back more than I have been."  
  
" That would be great Joe! We all miss you."  
  
" I miss you guys too."  
  
" Uncle Joey!" Tommy ran up to him and Joey scooped him in his arms like he always did.   
  
" Hey man, ready to go?"  
  
" Yup." Joey put him on his   
  
" Okay you boys be careful and have fun."  
  
" Bye mommy." Tommy waved.  
  
" Yeah bye mommy." Joey chimed. When they left it hit me that this was the first time I've been alone in the apartment and that Richard is really gone. I went on the computer and pulled up my old resume. It was time to start from scratch and it gave me a new outlook of life.  
  
  
  


Okay I got it posted, yay!  So here's the deal, I'm coming back in 2 weeks.  By then I will probably have the rest of the fic on paper, ready to be typed.  The only way that I will post the next chapter is if I get 10 reviews.  That's not a lot.  I'm not asking for like 20.  To those of you who have been reviewing, thank you so much!  I like to hear what you have to say. 

Also, sorry if there's any mistakes, typos, etc.  I was trying to type this really quickly so my boss doesn't see that I'm not doing work.  ;-)  

Remember 10 reviews!


	5. Chapter 5

I am back after a looong hiatus. I just miss writing and reading fanfics. I don't know if any of this fic's original readers are still around but I feel like I have to finish this story. If my writing is not like it used to be please bare with me because it's been a while since I've written a fic.

Enjoy!

One year later.

A week or so after the funeral I went to his office to collect his things and I talked to his receptionist. She admitted to me that her and Richard were having an affair. Yes I was just as shocked as you are. Supposedly it was going on for a month. She felt so guilty about it that she had to tell me to 'free her soul.' I should have seen the signs: him working late, becoming distant and trying to be extra nice to make up for it. Then again I was in my own little world. I was angry with him for cheating on me, never admitting this to me, making me feel guilty while I was dreaming about someone else, and leaving me alone with a child to raise. Although I was angry, I still missed him. I don't know what I missed more, him or the idea of him. I see him in Tom but I miss having that someone to hold me at night, to listen to me complain about my day, to be a father figure to Tom and the list goes on. The emptiness that I felt when I was with him has intensified with his absence.

As far as the rest of the gang's lives, they seem to be running smoothly. Rachel found out she was pregnant and Ross took on the role of the neurotic expecting father. Joey and Michelle got engaged and have bought an apartment in New York. Phoebe got back together with David but it didn't work out. Then she started seeing a guy named Mike. Chandler…was still Chandler. However he did seem to be more content than he used to. The topic of 'us' hadn't resurfaced. We were focusing on rebuilding our friendship. I must admit that when I was with him I ached to be more that just friends and I knew he felt it too. I guess the timing was just not right.

"Hey Mon." Rachel broke my train of thought as she walked in to the apartment and headed to the fridge. " You alright?"

" Yeah, I was just thinking."

" Oh, I knew tonight would be tough for you." Yes it was New Year's Eve. Since we got together, Richard and I always had a New Year's party. One of the days of the year to remind me that I was alone.

" I'll get by."

" It's good that you have to work, you won't be moping around here by yourself. Even your son has plans."

" Yeah about that, are you sure you can drop him off to my parents' house, I don't want to delay your own plans with Ross."

" It's no problem, we're happy to do it. Don't worry about a thing."

" Great thanks."

Three hours later I found myself at Alessandro's stirring garlic into a broth.

" Here's the order for table three."

" Thanks." I picked it up but felt a pair of eyes still on me. " Yes?"

" Why don't you take the night off, you've been working all week and you're the boss, you can do anything you want."

" No Tina, it's fine. I like working that's why I've been here for so long. Besides, if I look tired it's because stirring a broth isn't the most exciting thing to do."

" I just think you need to relax. You're clearly overworked and you must have a lot on your mind."

" I'm fine. Can you pass the barely?"

" Do you really want to start the new year off working?"

" Why not, you are."

" Yes but involuntarily."

" Visitor here to see Monica Burke." A waiter yelled out. Just then I saw Chandler walk through the double doors with a handful of roses and a sly grin.

" Hey. How's it going?" My heart leaped.

" What are you doing here? I thought you had a date?"

" That was just some friend of Michelle's that Joey wanted me to take around town. She cancelled on me. You look really busy but I was going to ask if you had time to go on a break."

" Actually, I just went on-,"

" But she can go on another one and this time for an hour and a half." Tina chimed in, practically pushing me towards Chandler.

" Alright, where to?"

" I figured we could just go for a walk if you all ready ate."

" A walk sounds good" As I took off my hat and grabbed my coat, I turned to Tina who wore a huge silly grin on her face.

As we walked, we engaged in typical 'small talk'. When that was over, an awkward silence came over. With Chandler that never happened unless there was something he was reluctant to get off his chest.

" So, how are ya these days? This year hasn't been the best."

" I've been good. Tommy's doing better and I…well I've been counting my blessings. What about you?" He sighed.

" I've been good in that sense. I have my health, good job, and good friends but I feel like there is something missing and I think…that thing is you." There it was. " Okay here goes. I know that I said my feeling would never change and that I would wait until your ready but I have to know what your thinking and how you feel. I can tell you that I love having you as a friend again but I miss being with you."

" I miss you too Chandler. I've found myself thinking about you more and more. My head is telling me that it's too soon and I will just end up getting hurt or hurting you. But my heart…"

" What is it saying?"

" It's telling me that we never really had a chance to make it work and this could be the best thing that ever happened to either of us. I've spent most of my life listening to my head except for the times that I have been with you. Those are the times that I have felt most alive. I want to feel alive again Chandler." He grabbed me and kissed me in a way that I have missed deeply. That familiar rush moved through out my body. I reluctantly pulled away and he gave me a puzzled look.

" If we're going to do this, we have to keep it between us. The others can't know yet because they'll complicate things and I don't know how Tom will react to seeing his mother with another man."

" Sure, but I want you to know that I am in this 100."

" 10..9..8..7" countdown could be heard from a near by party. "6...5...4...3...2..1 Happy New year!" The music started to play and I smiled to Chandler. He smiled back at me in a way I haven't seen in ages.

" I can tell that this is going to be a very good year."

" Happy New Year Monica. I love you so much."

" Happy New Year Chandler."

It's short but tell me what you think. The next chapter coming soon.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews: here's part 6

It had been a month since I've been seeing Chandler. No one knew about us which was a good thing because it took a lot of pressure off of us. However sneaking around reminded me too much of when we were last together, when Richard was around.

I woke up to the feeling of strong arms wrapped around me and smiled. Chandler had come over last night and we fell asleep talking. I looked at the clock and jumped up when I saw the time.

" Chandler! Get up! It's 8:00, Rachel's coming over and she can't see you!"

" Okay, okay I'm up." He answered groggily. As I gathered his things, I turned and noticed that he hadn't moved from his spot on the bed. " Hey Mon, wait for a sec. I need to talk to you."

" Now?"

" There's no time like the present." I sat down next to him with a funny feeling that I wasn't going to like this conversation.

" Okay shoot."

" Alright, we have been together for a while now and I'm just a little uncertain as to why we keep our relationship a secret."

" Chandler you know why. Tom-" I began.

" I know that you want to protect Tom but we agreed that we wouldn't be just 'fooling around'. I told you that I'm all in. So if we are going to have a future like we say that we want, Tommy will need to find out sooner or later. Plus you know that I love that kid like he was my own and would never want to hurt him. So the only real reason I can think of is that you don't really feel the same way that I feel about you."

" That's not true. Why would you say that?"

" Don't play coy with me. You know exactly why I would say that. Just tell me what the hell is going on here because there is something that you are not keeping from me."

" I'm telling you everything."

" Really? Because this whole time you've been acting distant and I can't read your mind."

"Can't you just respect that I need some more time? Don't try to change things or accuse me of anything. If I didn't care about you why would we even be doing this?"

" That's what I want to know! Why are we doing this? What do you want?"

" Look I don't know if this is some insecurity in you that's coming out or something but I'm telling that there is nothing wrong!"

" Oh yeah, then why haven't you told me that you love me?"

" What?"

" Every time I say it, you find some clever way to get around saying it yourself."

" I _do _love you Chandler. You should know that already."

" _Don't _lie to my face about something like that!" He started to get up but I stopped him.

" Chandler wait! please!" He pulled away from me and began to put on his coat. Then he paused and looked at me.

" I don't get you Monica. What do you really want from me? You say that I'm the one for you but then you become distant and the fact that you don't love me shows. When you figure out what the hell is running through that little brain of yours, give me a call. You know what, don't even bother calling me." He left the apartment and slammed the door behind him. I then broke down to tears. I hadn't cried in so long. How the hell did I mess up another relationship? Was there something really wrong with me? Why couldn't I just get it together and run after the one person in my life that made sense? It all went back to that stupid word that always got me in trouble: love.

" Mommy?" I looked up to see Tom at the door.

" Hey Tommy boy, come here." I wiped my eyes and motioned for him to sit next to me.

" Are you alright? I heard you and Uncle Chandler yelling."

" Don't you worry about it. Everything's okay."

" But your sad."

" I'll be just fine." I feel like I've been saying that phrase my whole life, or at least a version of it. When was I going to be able to tell someone, 'No I'm not fine, I'm feeling really messed up right now and would like to be alone.' I figured this wasn't the time or the person to say it to. Just then I heard another voice come from the kitchen.

" Hey Mon? Was that Chandler speeding out of the drive way? What's his problem? Where's Tom? I have a present for him."

" Aunt Rachel, mommy's sad." Tom went out to bring Rachel into my room.

" Rach, I'm fine."

" Have you've been crying?"

" Yeah, It's that time of the month, I get very emotional." What a lie.

" Nice try but I'm not buying it. Tommy, can you go play with this in the living room?" She gave him the toy and he ran into the other room. She then closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed next to me. " Tell me the truth. What's going on? Don't lie to me about it either. Ever since Richard, you've been acting strangely. Just not yourself and I'm finally confronting it. Now spill."

" Okay Rach, I'll tell you because I need help and I don't know what to do. I'll tell you the whole story but you have to let me finish. Okay?" she nodded. " Alright, while Richard and I were dating, Chandler and I had a thing on the side-"

" Oh my god! You mean you were dating Richard and _Chandler_ at the same time?"

" Yes, I was-"

" This is huge! How did I not figure that out? For how long?"

" Six months-"

" Six months! And you didn't tell me! Your best friend!'

" Rach, you gave to stop interrupting."

" Sorry, go ahead. I'll keep my mouth shut. "

" Anyway, we were together but I knew how Chandler was about commit. I still had feelings for Richard just not as strong as my feelings for Chandler. When Richard proposed, I used it as an opportunity to talk to Chandler about where our relationship was going. He insisted that he would never change and he would never get married. He basically broke up with me and told me to go back to Richard. So I did. Years later I found myself in a loveless marriage and Phoebe and Chandler getting married. Soon after, he admitted to me that he was in love with me and not with Phoebe. I admitted my feelings for him and we kissed. Suddenly all the pain of our break up came back to me and with Richard in the hospital, I ended it before it really began. He told me to take my time but he will always love me. On New years we decided to give it another shot but to keep it a secret. Today he questioned me why we still have to keep it under wraps."

" That's a lot of information to take in. Tell me, why are you keeping it a secret?"

"I didn't want things to get complicated with everyone knowing and I didn't want Tom to be hurt."

" I see."

" He also accused me of not loving him."

" Well do you?"

" I do and I told him so but he didn't believe. Who am I kidding, I wouldn't believe me. I honestly do care about him but when I try to say it to him, I can't bring myself to do it."

" I think that you were trying to protect yourself more than little Tommy. It's understandable to want to protect yourself when it comes to matters of the heart. Look at it this way, Before you met Richard, you attracted some not so great guys, then you found Chandler, the one, and he broke up with you. Then Richard, your safety and everything Chandler wasn't, ended up cheating on you. Of course your going to be uneasy about love. The most important thing now is for you to embrace your feelings and maybe even talk to Chandler about them."

" I don't know."

" Okay, think about this, do you honestly think that your life would be better with out Chandler. Do you think that there is still someone out there for you to find or is Chandler it?"

" He is the one and only."

" Then that's all you need to know. Don't let yourself run away from something that you know is good for you."

" Well, don't you sound like one of those dating advice books!"

" I know! But seriously, let yourself live the life you deserve to live. Don't let him slip away."

" I know your right. I just…I need to talk to Chandler."

" Go do that and call me the minute you guys are done. Can I stop being the voice of reason and ask you something?"

" Yes?"

" How's Chandler in bed?" I rolled my eyes.

" I knew you were going to ask that."

" He seems like one of those guys who would surprise at how good he was."

" He's …amazing."

" Wow! So that makes two out of three for Chandler." I gave her a look and she knew exactly what I was thinking. " Hey don't look at me like that, I'm already taken!"

How was it? Too short? Not enough action? Horrible? Perfect? Let me know! Constructive criticism would be great!


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry about the delay but mid terms were a pain in the ass. Oh and sorry for any typos; I have bad habit with those.

Anyway, on with the story!

I looked into the mirror and smoothed the sides of my dress. I really should have collected these dresses and reused them for each wedding. I still don't know how Michelle did it but she finally was able to tie down the biggest bachelor known to New York City: Joey Francis Tribbiani. I didn't think he was the marrying type but I guess its just a matter of finding the right person.

" Hey Mon, we have to go to our seats soon. Where's Rachel?" Phoebe appeared at the door.

" I think she's with Michelle. I was just about to go over there." We started to walk towards the dressing room. I knocked on the door and when I opened it I gasped. " Oh my god, Michelle you look so beautiful!" She glowed in an empire waist satin gown. She looked like an angel.

" Thank you so much!" She grabbed me and hugged me tightly. She looked as if she was so full of excitement that she would burst.

" Are you nervous?" Phoebe asked.

" Not really, I'm just excited!" She ran to the mirror as her mother adjusted her veil. It reminded me of my wedding. I stood looking at my reflection with my mother adjusting my veil as well. It was one of the only times that I've seen my mother looking so proud of me. She thought that day would never come but finally I caught someone; a doctor none the less. Although everyone around me seem to be elated and grinning from cheek to cheek, I was more nervous than I should have been. Simply because Richard wasn't the one, instead the one would be standing off to the side watching me make such a huge mistake.

" We really should be getting to our seats, the ceremony is about to start" Rachel began. We all said our good byes and told Michelle 'good luck'. I was the last to leave and before I closed the door, I got a glimpse of Michelle holding her bouquet and straitening her dress. The look on her face told me that this is what a bride in love should look like. She was definitely in love with Joey and they were going to have a long, beautiful relationship. It was refreshing to see this; like there was still hope in the world when it came to love.

The church was beautiful. The stained glass windows sparkled from the sunlight and the alter was decorated with lilies. The music began to play and the court proceeded down the isle. Just then Chandler appeared with one of the bridesmaids and seemed more handsome then ever. We locked eyes and my heart stopped. He quickly turned away and continued looking forward. Everyone stood and turned to see the bride come down the isle. I kept looking at him and he glanced in my direction. It was one month since he stormed out of my room. I tried to go to his job but his secretary told me that he was busy. He left a message on my answering machine saying that he thought it would be better for both of us if we didn't see each other anymore. We were just not meant to be and it would be easiest if we kept our distance from one another. I tried to fight him on this but he wouldn't listen, so the only thing I could do was give him his space. I finally saw that we were meant for each other but I was too late and would have to wait for him to give me another chance. So once again I found myself at another wedding longing for the guy that I couldn't have.

" You better talk to him after the ceremony." Rachel whispered.

" That's if he'll listen."

" Make him!" she hissed.

" Okay, okay. I'll talk to him."

The ceremony went perfectly and the reception was held at a near by hall. After Tommy ran off with the other children, I headed for the bar and ordered a scotch. As I sat sipping my drink and watching Joey dance with his mother, Phoebe came and sat in the seat next to me.

" Alcohol, always a good choice." She smirked.

" So how's it going with you Pheebs, we don't talk as much as we used to."

" I'm peachy. How about yourself?"

" I can't complain."

" Things are going exactly as I planned for us"

" What do you mean?"

" Well Ross and Rachel got together and now they have children, Joey married a former model, I found my guy, and you found someone."

" Umm, who did I find?"

" Well Chandler of course! He's the love that you've been looking for but was always right under your nose. Now, you have him!"

" I don't have him. We're not…together."

" Oh, please. You've got him. He was always yours. Even when he and I were together."

" Maybe….You know what? You and I have never really talked about the two of you and now I feel weird talking about this with you . I mean you married him for God's sake."

" Don't worry about it. I'm okay with you two. Chandler and I seemed like a good idea at the time but now we know better."

" I have to admit, I was jealous of you when you married Chandler. I was kind of wishing it was me instead of you."

" It should have been. Hey why don't we go get something to eat. Dinner is already being served."

" I would but there is someone who I really need to talk to."

" Oh, okay. Have fun." I smiled and walked over to Chandler's table. I stood behind him and cleared my throat. He turned and gave me his famous half-smile.

" Weddings are a great place to meet people."

" Have a seat." He motioned to the chair next to him. I nodded and sat down.

" Am I allowed to be near you now?"

" I guess. I mean we're at the same wedding, we were bound to run into each other."

" Sure. My only question is why has it taken us so long to actually sit and have a conversation?"

" Okay, maybe I should have handle that a little better. A message on your answering machine may not have been enough."

" You think?"

" Alright. I just couldn't be near you. It just hurt so much knowing that we could never be. It still does."

" Chandler, you never gave me a chance to explain myself. I have issues with love; I admit that. I've tried to protect myself all these years because every time I opened up, I got burned. I'm over that now. I'm ready. I want to be with you so bad that it hurts. These past weeks have been hell and I know it has been for you too."

" So you only want me when you can't have me?"

" No, its more like I've always wanted you but I just needed time to convince myself that its okay for me to feel this way about you. Lets stop hurting each other and start looking towards our future together."

" What are you saying?" I could see the anxiousness in his eyes and I smiled.

" I think you know what I'm saying."

" I think I know too but I need to hear you say it." I took his hand in mine and looked him in the eyes. I have never felt more confident in my life than at that moment.

" I love you Chandler Bing and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

" Well that's good to hear because I kinda love you too."

" Only kinda?"

" Okay, maybe a lot."

" Prove it, kiss me now."

" Just try and stop me." We leaned in and I melted at his touch. Only he could have that effect on me. He was the one and only.

We've been together ever since. We got married in an intimate ceremony. We were also able to give Tommy a baby sister.

Love: when your not in it, it can seem illusory or something that people just make up. However when you find that certain person, the whole world looks different. The love that you share can make you feel complete and secure with yourself. Sure it's something that you have to work on everyday but the outcome can be incredible. I gave up on love once and settled for comfort. Some how, it found me again. I just couldn't run away from it. So I say, let go and let love. Your life will never feel the same way.

- Monica Bing

That's a wrap!!!! Okay you know the deal, drop a review.


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